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So we heard that you, a clown, got fired for having a gun, the day of the shooting. And taking one fucking look at you shows you're a total mess.
Do you have an alibi or anything? Tonight we have a clip of some awful open mike, which would make sense in as a cellphone video, but much less so in Anyway here is this guy who sucks.
We see the actual clip of JOAQUIN'S standup which does, indeed, SUCK. JOAQUIN goes to a gala screening of a CHARLIE CHAPLIN film instead of a BUSTER KEATON one, which is a mildly surprising choice for a movie making use of the BATMAN ANIMATED SERIES FONT not to go with KEATON.
JOAQUIN confronts BRETT CULLEN in the bathroom. I demand answers! I didn't disguise myself as an usher for nothing, although maybe I did given the lack of any security around here.
Yeah that's the same thing Alfred said, wow that scene really was pointless. So you're saying my mental illness is hereditary?
So it's NOT inherited, it's just a coincidence we're both mentally ill? Do they even let mentally ill people adopt? I'm gonna have to go sort this whole thing out for myself I think.
It's a call from the DE NIRO SHOW! Yes, that video of your lousy act has gone viral, so we'd love to book you!
Oh wait, it's , shit. I mean, um, we've been getting lots of phone calls about how shitty your standup is, so ah, please come be shitty on our program?
Intent on finding the truth about his past, JOAQUIN goes to ARKHAM and talks to special guest clerk BRYAN TYREE HENRY! Normally I wouldn't hand files over, but in your case I can make an exception Because of how incredibly horrible and twisted it is?
Never before imagined depths of Fuck that is like every lazy-ass TV cliche about "where do serial killers come from" all blended up into a bullshit trope smoothie.
And that's it? Enraged by the rote nature of the revelations, JOAQUIN goes back to the hospital and flat-out MURDERS his MOM, which alerts NOBODY AT ALL so Then he visits ZAZIE BEETZ who in REALITY JOAQUIN is applying super fast-acting green dye to his HAIR when his old co-clowns GLENN and LEIGH pay him a visit.
Hey buddy, just wanted to see how you were holding onto that gun, and how you're doing with not saying where you got it.
Did you know that in Dark Knight we never actually SEE that guy get stabbed right in the fucking eye? I'd say we need to fix THAT pronto!
Oh SHIT! Plus I'm too short to undo the door latch, I'm trapped! Um, are there some audience people laughing at my imminent demise? Not cool.
Don't worry Leigh. You were never mean to me so I'll let you go. Though by the end of the movie I'm murdering innocent people for no reason, not sure what changes my mind on that score.
Now I can get the fuck out of here and call the cops to come raid this place!! Or, alternatively, alert those two detectives to perhaps trail you at a distance.
Maybe I'll flip a coin. JOAQUIN triumphantly parades out of his building finally in FULL JOKER COSTUME! Oh hey THERE he is! Could have grabbed him sooner if he weren't keeping such a low profile.
The CHASE leads onto a crowded subway full of people in CLOWN MASKS, on their way to a HUGE PUBLIC PROTEST. We got him now. These decent citizens will surely aid us in capturing the fugitive who's inspired them!
Ahem, please clear the way! Perhaps somebody could block Joaquin's exit door? Excuse me but-. Here's the program.
So instead we'll go right to the guests from The Dark Knight Returns graphic novel, and then you. No because they suck. Instead we'll just talk about how you have no talent and how you suck.
And I have no idea if you can even hold up your end of a conversation, so this might be the worst segment in talk show history for all I know.
This is just a shitty idea all the way through. Is this whole movie set in just so that I didn't have to change my look from GLOW?
Thanks guys! Fine, fine. But I have one question first No wait. Do you dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? Shit that's not it either. Do you know where I got these scars?
FUCK hang on, I'll get it eventually. Oh right, I remember now. When you bring me out Are you talking AW DAMMIT NEVER MIND I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE.
The SHOW begins, JOAQUIN is introduced, and AT LONG FUCKING LAST WE'VE CAUGHT UP TO THE END OF THE TRAILERS, NOW MAYBE FINALLY WE'LL HAVE SOME STORY BEATS WE HADN'T ALREADY FIGURED OUT, NOT HOLDING MY BREATH THOUGH.
Yes audience, it's the shitty comic you all apparently demanded to see more of. How's it going? Been a busy week.
I murdered a co-worker, those three subway dudes, maybe my Mom. Plus I've done, like, a LOT of acting, like SO MUCH.
Not sure what the point of it all is though. So maybe it's a character study, except so reductive and superficial that it's more of a character stare-at.
A dissertation on mental illness perhaps? If by "dissertation" you mean "watch Joaquin act crazy, awful thing happens to Joaquin, he acts crazy some more, repeat".
Listen punk, you're gonna answer for the death of those fine young men, dammit!! Or, just strip away all the shout-outs, references, and Bat-Easter-eggs, and it's a pretty basic "miserable loser gets shit on non-stop until he blows up" story.
Speaking of which. Everyone PANICS except the other GUESTS and some old footage of CLINT EASTWOOD! In the ensuing confusion JOAQUIN goes nowhere and is easily arrested.
JOAQUIN is driven around in a COP CAR in a way which is vaguely reminiscent of something, maybe TWITTER has figured out what.
But he is SLAMMED INTO by a stolen AMBULANCE and FREED!! Wow, they're celebrating me as their hero! Which I already noticed, so I guess the cops can re-arrest me now and this dramatic escape didn't really mean much.
Seriously, GREAT FUCKING JOB THERE MISTER WAYNE. YES REALLY. Because what could fit better in this cutting-edge no-holds-barred film than ONCE MORE YET FUCKING AGAIN SEEING BATMAN'S PARENTS GET SHOT IN SLOW MOTION OH AND THERE GO THE PEARLS, OF FUCKING COURSE CAN'T LEAVE THAT OUT, will this poor woman EVER reach the grave with her necklace intact.
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